dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We're too hungover to prance.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
