I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
