I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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