The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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