so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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