dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
