Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize