My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
