Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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