my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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