Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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