And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
