everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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