I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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