he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize