I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
