It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
