I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
