oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
