dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Say something about gay babies.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
