i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
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