Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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