He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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