So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
