Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize