You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
This can only be settled by a dance off.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
