Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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