At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
What a dumb baby whore.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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