I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
