I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
