dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
