Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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