I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
