How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
