He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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