im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
