I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
