You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
