I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just forgot I was standing up.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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