oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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