I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
