I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
