This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
