I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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