so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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