she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
