great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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