I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
