I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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