He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
