Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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