i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
