Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
