I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
