Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
