3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
