I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
