i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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