You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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