Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
