Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
