I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
