Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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