WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
