I wish I could punch you in the face.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
