I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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