Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
