I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
