At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
