like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
True strength comes from lack of pants
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize